1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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