So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
