Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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