Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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