There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
