my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
