Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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