I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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