I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals