i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
