this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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