Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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