just tell him i said nine months
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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