she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
