My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I wish there were birth control emojis
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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