I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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