Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
