In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
