Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
