We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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