well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
