I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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