I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
