even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Naked. naked and bneed help.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
