she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
