You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
