Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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