everyone is single if you try hard enough
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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