WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
