Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
