Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
