I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
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Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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