3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
