so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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