I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
