The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
