I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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