What a fucking waste of an outfit
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
