You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
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Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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