I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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