Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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