I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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