i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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