I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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