I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
