Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
