i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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