i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
