the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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