broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
