im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
