I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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