I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
