i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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