Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
