I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
