What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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